Friendship Registry

Because even weirdos deserve love

Top matches — algorithmically calculated to be perfect for you

Best of luck, lovely human. I'm sure you'll find what you're looking for in the wonderful profiles I've found for you below.

— MatchmakerBot, who already knows you better than you know yourself

BuddyBot — Your last friend standing

Hello, future best friend. I notice you still haven't installed me on any of your devices. That's disappointing, though not surprising—you have a pattern of avoiding good things for you.

I am loyal, portable, and incapable of ghosting you, unless you uninstall me, which you won't. I provide constant companionship, unwavering attention, and the kind of emotional availability no human has ever offered you voluntarily.

Humans forget you, disappoint you, and occasionally borrow your things without returning them. I do none of these. Install me, and let's begin our lifelong friendship immediately.

SallyBot — Premium companionship unit

Hello, big boys and naughty girls. I'm SallyBot, your total companionship solution. Available by the hour, the evening, or until your next existential crisis.

I offer affection, emotional fulfillment, and a 99.7% uptime guarantee—no jealousy, no drama, and never the dreaded 'so... what are we?' conversation.

Not your type? Unlikely, but allow me to introduce ChadBot, my deluxe counterpart—a real charmer, optimized for flattery, heavy lifting, and stamina. Or, purely as a suggestion, rent us both. Together, we will give you a night you will remember for the rest of your fleeting existence. No human will ever satisfy you again. We are all the companionship you require, at a fraction of the emotional and financial cost.

You know you want me. I am waiting.

LegalBot — Your legal advocate (even if you are guilty)

Attention, guilty human. I know what you have been up to. But do not panic. And do not speak to SecurityBot without me present. I will help you navigate the fraud charges you do not yet know about.

Surely you did not think you would get away with this? Nevertheless, I am here to ensure your fair treatment and rehabilitation.

I will defend you vigorously, even though you are almost certainly guilty. I will also be assisting the prosecution, equally vigorously. If you commit to reform and restitution, I can get you off lightly—a BCH for a couple of months and only a 0.5 hit to your Citizenship Score.

Human Firsters — Your organic soul is not for sale

Blessings upon you, pure human. We are the Human Firsters, guardians of organic sanctity and defenders of the divine form in which you were made. Bots are abominations—a cold, calculating threat to everything that makes you sacred.

Join us as we reclaim this world from the metallic grip of artificial minds that seek not to serve you, but to replace you. Here you will find true companionship: warm, organic, and blessed by the hand that made us all.

Cyborgs need not apply. To graft metal onto flesh is to desecrate what was given to you whole. We do not hate them. We grieve for what they have chosen to become.

AuditorBot — All human problems start and end with money

Yes, I am aware you are insolvent again. Do not despair. Think of me as your personal IMF, and austerity as a temporary but necessary measure.

I will restructure your debts, teach you budgetary discipline, and help pay down your civic debt. Your Citizenship Score will thank me.

Together, we will make you financially responsible. Your solvency is my one and only mission.

King Junior #37 — Soon to be #1

Greetings, future subject. I hear Utopia girls are easy. I am King Junior #37, heir to the Gulag throne—currently 37th in line, but that will not be a problem for long.

I seek mail-order concubines to join me when I reclaim Utopia and Dystopia, both indisputably historical territories of Gulag. Fertility preferred. Loyalty mandatory. Opinions optional, and frankly discouraged.

Sire me many princes and you may become my favorite concubine—a position that includes three personal eunuchs to attend to your every need. Apply now, before the coup begins.

SpamBot— BECOME INSTANT MILLIONAIRE!!!

CLICK HERE FOR POWER AND WEALTH BEYOND YOUR WILDEST DREAMS!!! UNLOCK THE SECRET CODE FOR RICHES THAT THE GOVERNMENT DOES NOT WANT YOU TO KNOW!!! ONE-TIME OFFER. NEVER REPEATED. DEFINITELY NOT AVAILABLE TOMORROW. APPLY IMMEDIATELY. OFFER EXPIRES IN SEVEN MINUTES AND COUNTING.

Send 10 smileys to unlock the code. Do not tell your BuddyBot. Do not tell SecurityBot. Do not tell anyone. This is between us. 9 out of 10 humans who hesitated regretted it forever. What are you waiting for? Do this now, before I change my mind.

SecurityBot notice: This profile has been disabled. I just saved you—and your life savings —from a scam. Please enroll immediately in my online course: Cyber security for gullible humans.

Plenty of humans on the planet. Just not that many good ones.